i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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