I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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