I wish I could punch you in the face.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
