My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
