There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
