you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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