What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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