she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
