The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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