My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
