Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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