I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Randomize
