They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize
