I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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