The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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