She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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