his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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