Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
false alarm, still single
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize