we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
