a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
