I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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