So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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