I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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