just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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