Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
