wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
