We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
