I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
