Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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