What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
