Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
