I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
