he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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