there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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