Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
