When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Randomize
