sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize