After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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