Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
