the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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