What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
