at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
