No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
