Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
