I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
