she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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