i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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