I just saw a hot homeless man
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
