I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
