i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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