ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
