Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
