Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i dont even know how to be here
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
