Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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