i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
