some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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