Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
