i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
