I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
