Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize