Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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