office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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