How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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