i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
