I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
