Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
