WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
