Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize